“Educational” Email Humor

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I rarely post funny things here but this one rang so loud for me. Ya know all those things we get in email that bascially tells us everyhting is dangerous, unsafe and bad for you? Then read on:
Happy New Year from my favorite, “Maxine”. 

As we
  progress into 2013, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over
  the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

  I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
nor let the waitress put lemon slices
  in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was
  last washed.

  I have trouble shaking hands with
  someone who has been driving
because the number one pastime while
  driving alone is picking one’s nose.

  Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats
  I have consumed over the years.

  I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for
  fear she has placed it on
the floor of a public toilet.

  I must send my special thanks for
  the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now
  have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

  ALSO, now I have to scrub
  the top of every can I open for the same reason.

  I can’t have a drink in a bar
  because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

  I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens
  are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

  I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

  Thanks to you I have learned that my
  prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
  friends and make a wish within five minutes.

  Because of your concern , I no
  longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

  I no longer buy fuel without taking
  someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my
  back seat when I’m filling up.

  I no longer use Cling Wrap in
  the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

  And thanks for letting me know I
  can’t boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it
  will blow up in my face, disfiguring
me for life.

  I no longer go to the cinema because
  I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit
  down.

  I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

  And I no longer answer the phone because someone
  will ask
me to dial a number for which I will
  get a huge phone bill with calls to
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

  Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s
  toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under
  the seat and cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

  And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park
  because it was probably placed
there by a sex molester waiting to grab
  me as I bend over.

  I can’t do any gardening because
  I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the
Violin Spider and my hand will fall
  off.

  If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a
  large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00
  p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels
  will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump.
  I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a
  friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law’s
  second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s
beautician!

  Oh, and by the way…

  A German scientist from Argentina
  , after a lengthy study,
has discovered that
  people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails
  with their hand on the mouse

  Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

  P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail
  that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

  NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…And the HAPPIEST New Year!!!

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